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Baby: Kryptonite. Being human.
Wed, 14 Mar 2007

One thing I realized the other day, which confused me a bit -- after going through a couple quick bouts of 'omg, my wife might die' (probably not, but it seemed possible at the time*), I realized that for one of the first times in my life I was in over my head. Its an odd feeling of insecurity when you don't really know where things are going (I've always had various plans, you see), and discover you've not done any research, and you're dealing with an alien species -- what do you want? why are you crying? A little insecure.. who? me? who knew! Damnit, I'm human again :)

I also find this huge need to talk to people, especially my close friends who for the last while I've let slide by a bit in our pseudo-slight-depression as we waited for the baby options to come to term. Mr brother and I were raised to be independant, but here I am looking for every possible idea and confirmation. Like finding yourself walking in a cave, listening for every voice. The net is cool this way .. looking for mailing lists and blogs, you can see every dad goes through the same things, and so many people I've bumped into over the years are offering their voices. It is encouraging, and very much what I need.

SMS texting has been the godsend; it takes little time, and is asynchronous.. so I've been chatting away with a dozen people I've not talked to nearly enough. Have a kid, act like a teenager :P

* The wife? What happened? I know I know.. the long story is needed, but I'll go a piece at a time. For this piece, just let me offer -- there was a moment when blood was pouring out there, not like a faucet but something like that and there was a few inches deep pool around her bottom. (Too much information?) She started to get light headed, so I was talking to her .. to make sure she was answering right, to encourage her to get those last pushes done, to let her know she was amazing and like a train -- could do it. But her blood pressuer had dropped to some very low numbers and it made me worry. It got weird there, but she seemed to recover a bit and we cried as the baby came out .. me for that joy and for the determnination and pain on my wifes face, and her for the joy of seeing what she'd been carrying for 9 or so long months. I'll write about all that later, but what scared me was at one point a few mins later when they passed my daughter to me and said very sternly.. "take care of your daughter". I watched paralyzed as the nurse pushed the 'help button' on the side of the bed and said something like "I need help in here". My wife remembers hearing "do we need more blood?" and "transfusion" but they opted not to. But there I was, pushed aside, holding this fragile little baby in my arms, watching blood pour from my wife, her getting dizzy, and a half dozen medical 'folks' doing 'stuff'. I'm sure it wasn't as serious as it is in my memory, but these images are part of what freaked me out. There are some amazing emotions and images forever burned into my mind, but these ones I won't miss when they fade.

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