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Moving: Almost the end..
Mon, 26 May 2008

(The end of the move, the end of the old place, the begin of the new one.. not really sure how to title this one.)

OKay, so I'm feeling a little better about it today, hopefully be my old self again soon. Today is Monday and we spent the weekend doing some important things.. Saturday my wife cleaned the old place, which was a cleansing experience for her .. to remove the 'us' from the old place and make it fresh for the new people. Yesterday I had some simple wiring to do there (swap a light fixture we wanted to keep and so on) and we ended up there as a family and watched my daughter wander around the old place a bit. That choked me up of course, since really she is a big part of my attachment/fixation I think .. she seemed confused a little at first, but then crawled up the stairs and stood up and wandered straight into her old room, then into the old office beside it, and then into our room and the bathroom .. very purposeful it seemed to me. Like she was noticing the differences.. it being familiar, but all the furniture missing. Or perhaps she wondered if it was just a similar place to the one in her memories. But she did remember, a week past .. but I wonder how long until she just forgets the place entirely? We videotaped her wandering, which was nice .. yet another short video for me to pine over in my mind, and have to look at some day down the road.

And yet today, here I feel better; perhaps it helped to see her happy in the new place, and not crying or anything at the old.

Or that in my head I'm rolling around the idea that yes, I really do think it was a wise move.. that this is a better area to raise a little girl in. (It was the right thing to do, wasn't it? *Sigh*) I still cling to a few things ... I'm waiting for the video tour guys to get me a DVD of the old place, and I did asked my agent to put a watch on MLS for the old place, so that if it ever goes up for sale again we might actually find out.. twould be nice to buy and then rent the place out... (Or is that creepy of me?) Anyway, all part of the minutia my brain comes up with to torture itself.

Anyway, the big night of handing over the key to the lawyer is Wednesday, which I'm sure will freak me out a bit; the new folks actually take over on Friday, so I'm sure Thursday will be annoying, and Friday will piss me off knowing they will be in my house. But then the weekend will be over.. I think all these times I've had to revisit the old place to move this or that, or perform some duty or another, has kept it a fresh wound.

Anyway, last week a friend of mine mentioned something which was well observed .. that when you buy bigger properties and homes there is a simple truth that there is always more to do; more land and space is more chores .. more yard work, more cleaning. Perhaps some of my melancholy from last week was due to the worry of all that maintenenace when we are already strapped for time. Perhaps we need minions.. a maid or yardbuoy to take care of things once in awhile. (Myself, I would just slash and burn .. remove most of the bushes and plants and trees, and just have simple grass with a nice tree in it the middle .. keep it low maintenance. Our neighbours all have amazing yards.. let them do the work, and we can sit and admire from our step. Perfect!)

I also had the thought.. that since I am generally always happy, laid back, and good at managing anything that arises (few things tend to really excite me) .. perhaps these times where there is an overwhelming assault of things going on (not to mention the sleep dep etc), perhaps I'm not so good at dealing with things (or suppressing things if thats what I normally do?) .. ie: If I'm so good at always being together, maybe I get a little screwy when things finally break over the wall? At least this week of melancholy seems to be receeding.. I will love my old place, but pining over it sure doesn't get me anywhere and I'm sort of angry with myself over my bout of weakness.

Perhaps we bought too big .. we'll find out down the road; perhaps we needed something bigger than we had, but not _this_ big... but then if we have another little one someday, we will need the space? (Then again, my brother and I were raised in a house smaller than the one we just sold... hmm.)

I told my wife (who is very excited about the new place, and bummed out by my melancholy.. but its not "just a house" I insist!) that perhaps .. althought I did the gab all the time of 'we can't do this or that, since we plan to move someday', perhaps in my heart I really never did think we would ever move. Perhaps we just stayed too long and I got too attached. Who knows?

Anyway, my parents sold their first places. My in-laws sold theirs. Pretty much everyone sells their first place, right?

And we're in a better area for my daughter to grow up in.

This week, if things get weird in my heart, I will tell myself those things. But for now ..

They're nice people moving in, but it will always be my house, bitches.

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