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Obits: And, well. Private thoughts. Read only at your own risk.
Thu, 26 Oct 2006

Really, read on only if you want bare uneditted immature crap. This is one of those sad moments, while I've been fine for hours since I got the call. This is that moment of sadness after someone dies, and then I'll be good forever again as this passes.

See, its weird. When some folks pass on, you barely know them; others you've known your whole life but still do not effect you much. Lastly, there are those that when they go, for some unknown reason, for a few minutes once in awhile you feel like a little kid again - wondering what the heck happened and if you should've - could've - done anything differently. I suppose this note is not so much for anyone else, but for me to read sometime later and think back on what it was like this moment. I'm sure I'll be ashamed for posting it, since I'm a 30-something and not a 'tween' :P

Sorry, the news is still very fresh .. I think Grandma-H passed around ten or ten thirty in the morning and I got the call while driving into work .. late :) I can take a shot to the gut with the best of them, and stress slides right off like water.. but for some reason this sort of thing slips right through the barriers, finding cracks in my psyche I'm never aware of. I'll have to get those closed later. (I used to take some pride in being a robot, back in the 20s, but my now-wife takes pride in opening me up a touch. Damn her :)

Another one of those topics.. do you blog it? I never kept a journal or I'd write something there; it'd be all stream of consiousness, like when a 15 year old gets dumped for the first time and can't control themselves. With no journal, I might as well - what the hell? - toss it out here and hope no one thinks any less of me for it.

It is a weird thing to be an adult, and yet be upset. Its like -- how long has it been since you tripped let alone felt genuinely bad, even if only for a few minutes? We are fortunate, most of us, to live in a world where we needn't fear much.. you can hop in the car to go to work with no worry, and you can play games or read or watch the tube at home. Well, alright, you can't admit you play computer games to your parents, since they just wouldn't get it, but we do. So these few times when you get hit upside the head with an emotion it makes you pay attention. We are lucky these 'emotions' - what are those? - don't come too often, but it makes them really have umf! when they do. Theres no shame in it I imagine, but we were raised to be individuals and strong and all.. yet for my grandfather a few years back, and now my grandmother every once in awhile I get a burst of so much sadness. But why? What is that? It makes me angry, those moments of weakness. I'm not used to indecision or faultering.. my super powers allow me to make choices quickly, and just go ahead with them. But these hits of sadness .. its so alien to me as a generally always-happy person, it bends me up. I suppose, my family, we're pretty close as most families are.. but we are not so close that we have 'contact' -- we don't shake hands, or hug, or any of that sort of thing. We hang out, but theres always been a small 'distance'.. I wouldn't have known about it at all, since you don't physically contact your friends much either.. not in this century. My wives family is very different, and I hope to make my family a balance between the two :) At any rate, I'm always crazy happy each day, so this 10 minute bout of sadness annoys the crap out of me :)

Besides.. why be sad? Why does death evoke such emotional response? We were close, and that is a good thing. She lived through to 90 or so, amazing stuff -- even after she lost her husband, and was unahppy ever after, she went on. So many people will die right after their spouse (or right before if they're the stressed out caregiver).. but she seemed she would go on forever. We found out she had cancer a couple years ago, but it seemed so foreign and distant.. she was in good health, and never took many misteps. (She was always proud and would never reveal any pain, so I'm sure that helped keep our worries at bay.) Perhaps if she was in bad shape and it was more obvious I would have called more.. but again, I have no real regrets in this case, so all is good. Heck, imagine that - being born in 1916 give or take?! She was intelligent and strong and proud, all good. I shall have to record some memories into my geneology application.. all good things like being little and staying with the grands in a trailer park during school vacation, while she made fresh berry jams... or chatting about mystery books we both liked more recently - only a few months ago we gave her a Complete Sherlock Holmes. Theres no real regrets barring wishing I was the sort to call her more often... still we had a good Thanksgiving a few weeks back, where much of the family got together. I suppose it would have been nice to hang out a bit longer that evening, or give her a nice goodbye hug if I'd known at the time.. but she was already getting sick and tiring early so we didn't stay too long... but really, she seemed so good and the ailment so distant, that I never really thought she'd be gone 'any time now' as my mother said. It just never really hit that she'd be 'gone soon'.. never entered my mind. I guess thats part of my personality -- always happy and positive. When I was a kid, I made a Decision and it was forever true -- thats the sort of person I am ;) -- that I would not have nightmares anymore, and that I would not needlessly worry; if worrying would add nothing to the situation, why do it? And it worked.. thats how I am, and I really haven't remembered more than 1 or 2 nightmares since I was a toddler.

Alas I think I know what bothers me so, right this minute .. it is the fact that she, and when any of our family have passed on (there was quite a bit of that a few years ago..) - it is the fact they are nolonger available 'should you want them to be'; that sounds selfish, but theres something to it. You don't miss them when they're in another city a phone call away - our family has never been super close, not like European families :) You miss them when they're simply not there anymore.. ever. To axiomise - you miss them when something taken forgranted your entire life - a life constant - is gone. I imagine it must be a similar shock to your psyche when your house burns down or the like .. though of course that is only a thing. Your parents are always there, and one day when they are nolonger available.. you will miss them. You likely didn't miss them when they were a city away... why, I don't know, but chalk it up as a mystery of life.

Anyway, what spawned all of this was this disturbing feeling as we approach one step closer to being at the top of the tree. You know, when you're little you have parents, uncles, grandparents, cousins, maybe even great grandparents.. but as time goes on there are fewer above you, and one hopes, more below you. It is shocking to have those assumed constants change, and find yourself that much closer to realizing how many years are ahead, and how many are behind. (Yes, I stole that from Picard..)

See my previous blog entry, but .. I did try to call her place, and she was already comatose by then, and now she is gone. So while I do not remember her exact words last we spoke.. at Thanksgiving maybe? Or on the phone later? But I know for sure the last words related to me through my aunt -- and grandma, wherever you are, you can be darned sure I will take care of my wife. I will miss you and Grandpa, who were always there.. helping me buy my first car, being at my graduation, or just walking with me to the corner store from the trailer park in the late 70s or so. Say "Heya Mac!" to Grandpa for me.

Oddly, I'm good now. For the last few days, she was comatose and gasping and unconsious.. and I came to terms with it. I was cool. Now I had a burst and wrote it down.. but I'm cool again. Its easier when you know its coming. Not to make any less of it, but don't want anyone to think I'm a wimp ;)

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